Encyclopedia Kylogramatica

Failed Attempts

My first crush was in 6th grade, for the girl who was stronger than me, and picked on me occasionally. I never got around to telling her.

I first confessed my feelings to a girl in 7th grade. We were playing with cardboard tubes, pretending they were swords. When I blurted it out, she hit me in the head, hard, and never spoke to me again.

There was one girl I had been set on from 8th grade on up through my senior year of highschool. She was the closest friend I ever had through highschool, and I don’t know what I would have done if not for her, because highschool was hard for me, especially with my parents’ caustic divorce. Chasity kept me together, I held my tongue on confession because I knew she was a lesbian. Looking back, it was pretty clear she liked me too, but hindsight is 20/20.

My first year of college, I met a girl who made my heart explode in emotion. I was completely and utterly infatuated, and admittedly, I let that emotion control me. When I finally told her, I started talking about the future in way that must have been extremely off-putting. She gave me a hug and told me “no.” We didn’t talk much after that.

The next semester, I had found myself with someone who’d just broken up with someone else. My significant lack of experience did me in I think, there were obvious signs, cues I should have taken to advance the relationship, but I was an idiot and didn’t notice a thing at the time, the relationship didn’t last long. Given the chance, I’d like to try again, but the time has passed.

The next time I found myself attracted to another friend, we had just seen “Across The Universe” and I barely managed to work up the courage to tell her how I felt. She wasn’t interested, but we stayed friends (for which I am exceedingly grateful). Still, I would still date her, given the chance, but I don’t have any hopes or expectations on that front.

Sometime later, I met another girl through the school’s gaming club, she laughed at my crude jokes and eventually we got to watching Doctor Who with each other each week. I did get to tell her I liked her, and she responded well (the first in a long time, if you’ll notice). Still, we didn’t see much of each other after our confessions and my own emotions ran down in that time. I was the one who broke it off, and we parted, amicably. Had I realized how much I loved and missed her at the time, I’d never have done such a thing. I still regard this as one of my biggest mistakes, I wish I’d stuck with her. Years later, we became close again, but I misread her signals, thinking she harbored the same pent up feelings I did, I was wrong, and I shouldn’t have tried to start things again.

There was a point where I fell for another friend, and ashamedly, I become foul after being turned down. I believed I had been personally wronged by how much I had failed, I am glad that I didn’t lose any friends during this time, though by all rights, I should have. I realized how foul I had been, and did my best to repair any damage.

A couple years ago, I’d found myself attracted to a girl, but her own time in this city was coming to an end while I was still stuck down here, and in some fit of idiotic selflessness, I let her go without saying a thing, knowing full well she liked me too. I honestly wish I had been a bit more selfish, we could’ve figured something out I think.

Last year, I found myself completely smitten, and though things seemed to start off well, I tried to play it slow and not explicitly reveal my feelings, we did not have a second date.

Increasingly, I find myself trying to analyze the feelings of those I’m interested in, which has led me to give up more often than step up, likely working against me. I’m at the point where I barely leave the house anymore, and I feel like all opportunities for me lie on the internet, but I don’t want to be the one to reach out for fear of burning my fingers again. I know what I’m capable of in terms of the love I have to give, but I keep that love so closely guarded that no one has been able to experience it.

I need someone who can be patient as I open up, but on the stipulation that they make their feelings known, which I know to be too much to ask…

The Most Trust I Can Display

I’ve found that I can only share a table with people I trust, or rather a table made up largely of people I trust. having a few people I don’t know doesn’t bother me as long as my friends are the core group.

It is personally gratifying to buy food for my friends, as they are essentially my family, the best family I have. I will occasionally go far out of my way to afford gigantic outings where I take all of my friends out to eat at my favourite restaurants, most often sushi. 

I miss having my friends around, and I miss being able to buy food for people. I wish some of my internet friends were closer so I could buy them food, and the first thing I would do if I came into a load of money would be to fly all my friends down here to eat sushi with me.

For Those Wondering…

When I tried to strike up more conversation with the barrista I was interested in, I was unable to get more than two words out of her before she would turn and go do something else. This happened two or three times, I took it to mean she wasn’t interested, and decided not to pursue.

I may be dense as a brick, but I think I called that one correctly.

In other news, I find myself thinking about tumbling headlong into my art, not allowing anything but my art to keep my attention. This is an action that could make or break me, and I don’t know which is most likely.

As it stands, I have a responsibility to my roommate and to my cat not to be a failure, and the potential for failure is to great to risk their livelihoods on my abilities. There is no way for me to do this while keeping a regular job. I’m just waiting for an opportune time to make the jump.

GOD DAMMIT

I have a crush on one of the baristas at The Coffee Loft.

She’s short and a little chubby and really, really adorable. But The Coffee Loft is a Christian-run, non-profit establishment and that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s Christian but I’m an atheist and I know that a lot of religious people don’t trust atheists and sometimes fear drives them to hate and I’m afraid she’ll hate me for it but I really like her and I think she likes me because she went out of her way to talk to me and be nice and we have a good bit of common ground with work experiences and creative interests but I really don’t want to let myself get hurt by being shot down again but I know that if I don’t at least try then nothing will happen at all and I’ll agonize over it and how do I make this work I’m dense as a brick and I’m really bad at picking up flirtatious signals and fuck me I’m in for some emotional torment.

Somebody shoot me dead before I screw up.

V-Day

The month leading up to Valentine’s Day always gets me pretty down. I used to joke that it was Single Awareness Day, but now that I find love so rarely, it really helps to remind me of how lonely I’ve been.

Part of the problem is that I don’t go out as often, and the other part is that when I go out, I see the same 6 people I ever do. I try to ignore the feeling, and hope for the best, but nothing ever changes by waiting. Yet when I try, I fail. I always hope for the future, but it’s getting harder to believe things will get better. It takes all I have not to slip into despair sometimes.

I’m really honestly tired of being “just a friend” to everyone I meet and know. I need more than friendship.

Thinking About Things

In which Kyle is a mopey little shit.

You know, for all the charm I’m told I have, and despite the fact that I have been told on several occasions that I am “good looking,” my luck with relationships is abysmal.

It seems to me that the only girls who think I’d make a good boyfriend are already in relationships or are too far away to matter. Part of me wants to believe that I just have really bad luck, but my strike-out record has me believing there is something inherently wrong with me.

I dream of being a great boyfriend, a great husband, and a great father, and I know I can be, because I’ve seen nearly all of the mistakes one can make in a relationship and I don’t have what it takes to make those mistakes.

I have a great love in reserve, but no one to give it too, and my efforts are often shunted. What does it take, how many times do I have to try before I get it right?

I’m Not Heartbroken, Just A Little Disappointed

So! I thought things were getting on well, I really did. I exuded as much confidence as I could possibly muster, tried not to get too attached early on (a problem that has hurt me in the past) asked her out while I still had the courage to take the answer I didn’t want to hear.

I don’t feel broken, but I do feel…

Nevermind, I feel pretty broken, but not so much over the lost chance as much as I feel broken over the whole fact that I am still, somehow, un-datable. I’ve had assurances that I am a pretty attractive dude, mostly level-headed, and intelligent. I won’t claim to be a gorgeous genius, but I think I’m pretty awesome. I’m not defeated yet, but I can’t fight this battle forever unless I win a little bit along the way…